July 11th, 2023. I woke up at 5:55 am, went to the backyard to water and then came in to write. If you look up what 555 is as an angel number, it symbolizes CHANGE.

A lesson in timing:

All the lessons involve timing, actually.

It’s been hard to write niko’s life into a children’s book because I’m the one who lived all the lessons he voyaged through with me and they were not sugar-coated fairytales. Many of my lessons came from Universal Laws - things I didn’t understand about the world in my innocence at the time but that I now know are undeniable.

When I first began the path of manifestation to adopt niko, it came from a dream following a conversation with a friend. I was getting dragged through emotional abuse from a boyfriend who I was so bonded with that I was unable to detach from him. He was cheating on me like crazy and I had no idea, other than how the secrecy and confusing behaviour was making me feel.

Cate had seen it all, and been there through years of my fumbling with this unhealthy love. “You need a cat,” she told me. “Huh?” I thought. I’d never had cats as pets growing up and I didn’t feel particularly drawn. I don’t recall the details of her convincing but she planted a seed with the idea that about 5 months later turned into me adopting a sweet little Norweigian forest cat prince who I named nikoru.

Early on I knew just about nothing about cats. I lived with two roommates from Georgia that year who both had dogs, Sadie and Sister. It was while I was living with them, around springtime when I was graduating NYU - that I first had a dream of a white kitten named Mouse. I took to the internet to search adoption sites and looked specifically for white kittens. As it turned out these are fairly rare, and the even rarer white albino cats have to be protected from satanists who seek to sacrifice them in ritual! I learned this from the cat lady who I visited at her home in Park Slope to view her menagerie of cats to adopt. She was fostering a litter and interviewed me over the phone before allowing me to come see the exceptionally rare white albino female kitten with blue eyes that she was coveting for an ethical owner.

I left that visit feeling not quite right about adopting the kitten and started to learn more about different breeds. I became completely sure about what I wanted in a cat through the process of this search and was convinced Norweigian forest cats were the most special of all. Much like the legend of the Maine coons, they were known to come over from Scandanavia by ship and love the forest. Smaller, but still coon-y with their striped tails - they were said to have really friendly personalities, loved being part of a family and can make song-like sounds along the lines of “brrrrrp.” (By now I’m able to speak this too) The only thing was that they were a sought after breed and not what you’d typically find up for adoption in a shelter. Certainly not as a kitten…

I recently wrote the story of adopting niko in detail, but the gist of it is that I started searching for a Norweigian forest cat kitten to adopt long before I manifested him. I searched high and low on adoption sites for a young one with tiger stripes and white in his colouring throughout the summer of that year, after I moved out from living with the Elizabeths. (Sadie and Sister’s moms both had the same first AND last name, I know weird.)

In early September, right around labour day, I finally spotted him. It was the very first thing I did when I woke up that day: scroll through the NYSPCA online catalog of new rescues whose photos were uploaded through the night. If I had known then how nostalgic I’d be at age 40, I would have screen-shotted and saved the photo of the little stray kitten who had just been brought into the animal slammer that I rushed out to adopt.

I knew the photo on the screen was exactly what I was looking for with such certainty that I literally grabbed my purse, threw on a jacket and headed to the shelter without changing out of my pyjamas.

Flash to 16 years later and I was told this week how beautiful I was looking these days with a mention of how bright my eyes were. As I smiled to say thank you, I knew it was from all the crying I’d been doing. I’ve been trying to keep niko alive through stage 4 kidney disease for the past two years but his health recently took a significant turn and I’ve been getting ready to let him go. He’s hanging in but it’s clear to me that his life is reaching its natural end, which has filled my heart with happy memories to think back on from the magical life we’ve shared. Being present to all the love I have for him and the immense gratitude for his companionship has made me take a hard look at the past versions of myself that he helped me grow out of.

I’ve wanted to honour niko’s life with a book but in reality the lessons from his life are not sweet little stories suitable for children. They are HARD lessons that I scraped my knees learning through my 20s and 30s when I had so much healing to do. I don’t know if I owe it to the world to write a book about the things I’ve learned but I know I owe immense gratitude to my cat for the version of me he’s leaving me as. The things I was learning about self-love and worthiness took literally his whole life to congeal. I feel completely whole now and don’t make any kind of habit of looking outside myself for love and validation anymore. I also understand that the lessons are hard but if I don’t master them, they’ll come back again and again.

The first lesson of niko’s life is one of worthiness and determination. I feel that there’s no other mom on earth that could have given him such an incredible life, and that I deserved him. I made a promise to the Universe when I was told after his first vet check-up that he was very sick and not going to live, and I held myself to it. I was told not to get attached to this stray kitten I’d just adopted because he had an outrageous fever and would probably “not make it.”

Not make it? Not get attached?? I refused. Instead of practicing non-attachment I went to the top of the hill in Fort Greene Park and prayed. “If you let this kitten live I will give him the most magical life imaginable,” I bargained. I put all my effort towards helping him get better and created a happy home life with a healthy balance of adventure that matched his courageous and friendly personality. He’s been my priority and kept me rooted ever since (despite semi-frequent travel and big moves). Looking back, I can say that nothing has ever stopped me from giving him the incredible life I promised.

In the details of his adoption story there was a girl sitting next to me in the waiting room of the animal shelter up on 110th Street in Manhattan that I had a big journey to get to from where I lived in the heart of Brooklyn. She and I had pulled numbers that were being called out in turn and we were both waiting to be the next one to claim a pet and pay. As she turned to make conversation with me I was able to sneak a look at her number. She was going on all about the cat she was going to adopt, frankie, and how he would be her lap cat. Not a chance I thought, frankie is mine.

It was clear that I could have lost “frankie” to her in a fraction of a millisecond if I hadn’t shot out of bed and rushed to the shelter when I did. I also pulled a number when I walked into the building while foolish girl pulled hers after she’d gone to see the room full of strays. It took precision and effort for my stars to align with this superstar cat, and mostly it required determined action based on my inner knowing which can clearly direct me to what I want.

A healer lady on Salt Spring Island (as I refer to her) named Lisa started to plant seeds in my head that I ought to put myself online and start to boyfriend shop back in 2020. She was meeting me on zoom weekly to teach me NLP/tapping and coaching me in all areas of my life. I had been single for a few years but was disgusted by the idea of having to choose someone with a swipe based on their looks and portray myself as meat in a market. She promised that even though there might be “a lot of bad out there, there is also some good.” I made a profile, felt silly, and mostly ignored it - but I began to see who was out there looking for their other half and it helped me get clearer about who mine would be.

In the three years that have followed I’ve dabbled a little in the apps but mostly used the exploration to get clearer on what I wanted to manifest in a partner. As much as I feel whole on my own there are elements of life that I think could be nice to share and I’m open to the idea that there is a good match for me to co-create an even better life with than the one I have now. While I may have put in somewhat minimal effort to finding him, I’ve put in maximum effort to becoming the version of myself who I think would be his match.

A week ago today was an early start with gardening much like today. I came in from 3 hours of intense yard work while the neighbourhood came to life and dawn turned into a hot, buzzy summer morning. I grabbed my phone to play music while I cooked breakfast and some ping notification sent me to an app I’d never heard of that my friend Chris suggested I put myself on back in March. “Yuck, no, gross,” was my thought. Whoever the ping was from was not my cup of tea but the app designers have a clever way of showing you new profiles as soon as you discard a hard no.

A new profile was shown to me and I was taken aback. I’ve seen some “good” out there but not this good. I thought: “Omg they’re showing me him because he’s already swiped yes to me.” I knew if I hit yes we were going to match and then I couldn’t just leave it. I made a funny sound aloud to vocalize my excitement that actually startled niko and woke him up from a dead nap. I laughed at myself, told him I was ok, and then took a deep breath and without hesitation hit yes. In the week that’s followed I’ve gone through little waves of excitement and insecurity that came from thinking I might have finally found my dream guy.

“I’m worthy of a love that has conditions.”

I don’t know if he’s my guy and I don’t know if what he wants is aligned with what matters to me but I know that I’m on the field, playing the game and I’m taking big swings that require vulnerability. I don’t have insecurity like the 24 year old Lindsay who was letting men treat her terribly and making excuses for them through the lens of unconditional love. I’m worthy of a love that has conditions, and I have no reason to feel insecure about my right partner because my right partner is not someone I have to fight hard to keep - he’ll also knows he chooses me.

I can never loose anything that’s rightfully mine: this saying is a good mantra to combat insecurity around things you can’t control (and may I suggest tapping while you do it). It’s a law I had to learn to have complete trust in the world of love. It’s true that I’ve lost love and I’ve had a broken heart, but I trust that they weren’t meant to be mine (besides for a time) and I’ve come to believe that rejection is just god’s protection. (wink;) If this gem of a guy I just found is truly meant to be mine then he’s equally going to have to discover that I’m his dream girl and show up for me. I know I’m worthy of a great love story in romantic love but I whole heartedly accept that some connections are mere attraction and instead pose tests to innate my sense of worthiness.

Trust the timing of your life and take aligned action. Just be sure to get clear first on what you want and feel worthy of and then surrender to timing that has to align. This feline prince who has been by my side for 16 years has taught me to fully embrace the ease and comfort of a love I’m worthy of and call it in, just like him, with an open heart.

You can never lose something that's rightfully yours.

Your Health is in your Hands 👐🏻